Death blues

I think of death often; as often as I think of life. But visuals of laying in blood clots during transition never occurred as much as it did in recent times. I visualize my dead body beside a highway - road accident perhaps; being dragged out from a dented vehicle and laying down with few others or not was my dread dream for long. Or will I comprise bullet wounds followed by sharp cuts all over the body? Likely my body, me within or not, would pass few hours in morgue before getting into a casket. In next life may be my blood will be white and the cover will be dead-red; contrary to what is in this life.

I was 11 once as everyone was or will be. While heading towards Khagrachari from Chittagong, our convoy was halted in Guimara as there was a gunbattle between the army and tribal guerrillas. An overenthusiastic showed me bullet wounded and mortar hit bodies of both parties. I asked why they battle. No apt answer I got; perhaps they died for no reason other than grabbing sleep of a kid for few weeks.

Days at Shahid Moinul road in Dhaka and Bawanis in Jossor cantonment have enormous impact on me. If I am asked to choose a life after death; I would want to go back to those days without blink of an eye. Not because of the careless days I passed in these two places but because people around me in those periods are the people I want to spend most of my time with.

Choto Mama - Lt. Col Azim died all of a sudden and put me in a state of shock. I was holding his head on the ambulance while taking him to hospital for the last time; little that I knew it was his last time. I in fact never comprehended someone close of my heart could die so abruptly. Following day, I wanted to hold his khatia to the Mashjid and to the grave; I tried and tried but could not cope up with the flow as I had a fractured leg. Then Boro Chacha died, Shah Khalu died, Boro Khalu died, my soul mate Anayet died. I learnt deaths can mature people though it does not open a different door, it is not even a diminishing state.

I know for a fact that I inspire people and have impact on many. There are many great souls having huge impact on me as well – purportedly that’s natural. I regret deeply I did not acknowledge them when I had a chance. Now it is too late.

I never lie to my son; I do not give him false promise. I want to keep it that way as long as I stay in this side. His arrival made me a better person. I said to myself in April 2006 – I will not do, say anything that I cannot share with my son. This cushy promise brought me a whole new world.

The world will end or I will end, one earlier, one afterwards, or both at an identical time. Destination is locked, it has always been. The journey matters; not destination. I lived beneath day and night but there were radiance, sparkle and flicker, if not the sun itself, even in nights. My journey has been entrancing; I lived on my spirit.

If you visit me when I am silent, don’t bring me flowers; come with an enlightened soul or do not come at all.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Nice, Your writings remind me an Elegy of Thomas Gray's "Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard"......
Your command over English language is superb. Very few Bengalis can match. Keep it up.

Popular posts from this blog

How strong is Myanmar's military?

বিমান দুর্ঘটনা

পঁচাত্তরের নভেম্বরঃ নাগরদোলায় অনৈক্য,বিভক্তি ও সংঘাত (প্রথম পর্ব)